“Cough… cough…” sniffling sounds echoing in my room.
“So cold…” I muttered, to myself. I pulled the blanket closer to cover up to my neck. Fever hit me, blocked-nose hit me, sore throat and cough were joining in the party as well. The party that called ‘COVID-Positive Infection’.
I was next in the row, being infected after my landlord granny who got it three days ago. I had to stay in my room most of the time; to avoid spreading it to the only survivor in the household, i.e. granny’s daughter, my landlord auntie.
(Why still I feel so cold?)
I held onto my blanket tightly and curled myself up like a prawn. The cold still felt from my feet and my fingers. I shut my eye lids and forced myself to sleep.
Two minutes passed.
(Hmm…) I frown; my eye brows crumpled. Now, I felt warm, instead. I pushed away my blanket, tried to let the pores on my skin to grasp some cooling effect from the night breeze that blew from my fan. I didn’t let the fan blowing directly to my direction but sideway, for it to generate some air circulation in the room.
My body felt heavy, it was not feeling well. It kept switching between warm and cold. I sat up and reached out to the medicine to cure fever, once again. (I had it at 7 pm; now, at twelve midnight, should be fine to take them.) I told myself. I swallowed a few more sips of water, the I crawled back onto my bed. I covered myself with blanket as I wasn’t feeling warm anymore, but cold, now.
Silence, in the middle of the night, to the point I could even hear the tickling sounds from my little alarm clock that I placed on my writing desk.
“Tick, tick, tick.” All alone, in my room.
Tears ran down from my eyes even if I had my eyes closed tightly for I was trying hard to enter into sleep.
(Shredding tears on the bed…)
This fit best into the sayings that go “human feels weak when loneliness calls”, “human looks fragile when they fall sick”; I guessed. My parents were not with me; they were far away at home country. Even if they were with me, will they still care about me, my condition? Maybe to certain level…
Once grown up, the closeness with my parents was no longer there. They somewhat changed; or maybe, me too? Grandchildren diverted all their attention and love. With my siblings, we were the type that don’t talk much but only when necessary; we were all busy at our own work and has been living our own yet separate life. (How sad. We were so close when we were young.) Tears continued to drop.
Dad did call me the next morning asking if I was okay. The rest of my family members? None of them called. Brothers sent me messages instead. (What to do? Who to blame? This is the family living style we have. We don’t talk much and no emotional topics shared or communicated.) My monkey mind explained and calmed my emotions.
Ended up, I opened my eyes, staring to the ceiling, in the dark. Headache echoed loud in my head. My temple felt like exploding.
(Can I just vanish from this world just like this? What if I just disappear into the air?)
(If I could just ‘poof’ and disappear in the air, will anyone notice?)
Questions popped-up one after another in my mind.
I had this same thought this morning as well. When I turned on my laptop and tried to attend to a few emails at work; even when I was not in good health conditions. I shouldn’t have had the thoughts of ‘work’ and shouldn’t have turned on my laptop. (Some might say that I was stupid. I know, I am one that doesn’t know how to self-love. I’m still learning to…)
(Loads of emails… Sigh…) What’s more, when I had already put ‘Out of office due to undergoing medication for Covid infection’ in email auto-reply function, my lady boss still kept sending me tons of emails chasing for this and that; setting meetings for next week as if she knew better than doctor that I would definitely recover in two days. I think she doesn’t read news or maybe pretend not knowing how one might feel and face when having covid positive symptoms. What symptoms one would get? How long it takes to fully recover? Some people even encountered breathing difficulties that have to be under ICU care; some even got a terrible 38-degree fever for days and still suffered some side-effects after recovering from covid symptoms.
No one knew that these symptoms would get lighted in the coming one year plus where more powerful vaccines and vaccine booster have been invented. I was still in the beginning stage of COVID-19 wave and only had 1st jab done…
(Heartless creature) I said to myself.
It was tiring and so demotivating to work with such a micro-managed boss like her – who loves to work 24/7 and enjoys sending her staffs emails over the weekends chasing for status updates. (When will the regulation takes effect worldwide where superior that ‘bothers’ their team member during their off day or weekend will be fined?) I wonder if that day would ever come.
(I think she fails in some way…)
Sometimes, we could see people that demonstrate zero-Emotional Intelligence (EQ) at work, irrespective of how highly-educated they were. (They’re just simply can’t comprehend. One that fails to practice simple curtesy greeting in emails, to begin with. Yes, we, in this part of the world could be seen as low-classed or cheap labour to some people’s eyes.) Well, maybe I was too sensitive and sarcastic, especially when I was sick and emotionally unstable.
(I often find her smiles during the meeting were so fake. She should get ‘The best employee of the year’ award, as she focuses only on work, work, work. Nothing but work. One that loves to schedule meeting during our lunch break for she doesn’t go for lunch, but just chews on her homemade light salads. You’re not the lead model that people around the world must follow as you do. Please don’t use up our lunch time! Good for the company to have such devoted employee like her, in a way.)
(What a pity. Can’t you enjoy your weekend and leisure time a little? Work is not everything that you can do in life, you know?) I rolled my eyes and grumbled.
Anyway, that’s her choice on how she wanted to spend her own free time.
(I don’t want that.) I have my own things to do at my leisure time and have zero-intention to spend it all on work.
Reading through her ‘bossy-vibed’ emails, I thought to myself… (Can I just disappear from this world? Leaving all these annoying stuffs behind?)
I wasn’t (and I am not) encouraging anyone to take or end their life.
NO!
I have religious believing and I treasure the life I have on earth. If our time on earth not yet comes to an end, and one decided to end it at his or her own will, they will be ‘punished’ even in afterlife. I believed that saying.
(Can I vanish just like that and leaving all those works and annoying people behind?)
Obviously, I was just trying to run away from reality. Perhaps, I was just throwing a tantrum to God; when some part of my mind clearly knew that this won’t happen and I still need to face the reality, the next morning when I woke up.
“Thank you, auntie.” I said to my landlord auntie. She prepared lunch for me, i.e. her only tenant.
I was surprised to see this good side of her during this critical period that I gone through. Her willingness to cook a bit more portion just to share the meals with me, really caught me by surprise. Any COVID-positive infected person should not go out from self-quarantined place unless for doctor’s visits. She helped me measuring my body temperature, my body oxygen level as I don’t have those gadgets; and even helped me getting some free self-test kits (sponsored by government) from the kiosk machine in the neighbourhood. She did not have to do all these for me actually; she could just leave me alone, let me do my own online food delivery orders, and go get the self-test kits myself as well. It was not her responsibility to do all those.
“Thank you, auntie.” I said to her every time she did those for me. My gratitude towards her couldn’t be expressed simply through words. I felt blessed to have someone taking care of me during this “have-to-be alone yet still feeling unwell” period.
I reached out to my wallet and handed her some cash as a compensation token, for my share of food and meal’s cost. I didn’t have much cash left with me and I didn’t feel like going out to withdraw cash from ATM machine. But I had made up my mind to buy her some stuff after I had recovered from these covid symptoms.
(I think maybe she feels some sort of guilt for her mom spreading covid virus to me, and causing me having to suffer all those symptoms and sickness. Well, frankly, I thank God for such arrangement. If I were the one spreading the virus to granny, I don’t know and can’t imagine how it would turn out to be. When granny got positive results after catching the virus spread from her son during new year reunion gathering, all their relatives were so panic and so worried about granny’s condition. If I were the culprit in spreading her the virus, will I be blamed by their relatives if this ninety plus years old granny could not make it through this time? Will I be asked to move out immediately?)
(Thank God! Granny is recovering slowly but steadily. Her sickness is milder than what I have.)
One evening, when I was about to go to the kitchen to grab some water, I heard auntie talking with her friend over the phone. “I cooked for her; sometimes gave her one chicken drumstick and herbal soup. How much should I charge her?” Her loud voice flew into my ear. (Speechless… Oh, she has been thinking of charging me a cost for all the good deeds she has rendered to me, it seems.) “Sigh…” (What I had just heard has literally crushed the heroine and respects I had on her.)
(Alright, let’s see how much in monetary terms she would quote me then.) I would just pay her then. (Save the hassle that I initially planned to go and get her some snacks and food as a token of appreciation.) What one wishes to give might not be what the other party wishes to get.
I remembered during my school time, this thought of “Can I vanish just like that” echoed in me, as well. That was when I was heading out with my classmates for a school project. We visited the local government office for some geographical and historical information about our town. Suddenly, I got stomach-ache. Unlike anyone else, my body will call for a ‘detox cycle’ once a quarter or so, where I would be running loose bottom for a few rounds, in a day.
(Oh no, this is not good.) I knew it well; it’s the quarterly detox timing! I excused myself to the restroom. My stomach was so in pain! It cramped like crazy. I occupied the restroom for a long time, just to wait for the few rounds of detoxing acts to end. I had no strength left. I held onto the water tap just to support myself not to fall down. Dizzy, tired and sweat all over my head.
(My face must be pale, now.) I thought while still held on with all my might to that water tap. I can’t find the strength to stand straight up. That public toilet was the ASIAN common designed, i. e. squad type.
At that moment, (Can I just vanish just like that? Can I just faint like that?) (The latter definitely is a no go.) I rejected it right away.
The restroom was locked; how can others know that I had fainted inside? If they do finally find out, they would have to break the restroom door and to see me fainted in such half-naked condition in a public restroom!
(Nonsense! No way.)
I took some time to pull myself together, accumulated some strength to get up and tidy up myself. “Are you okay, you took a long time.” My classmate asked. I apologized to her for taking so long in the restroom. We gathered the information that we needed for our project and so we dismissed the day out activity. That was a terrible day for me; to the point that I could still remember it vividly, in my memory.
“Can I just disappear or vanish from this world just like that?” seemed to be my excuse to God. When I was trying to run away from hefty work, painful experiences and tiring mental stresses…
“Thank you, Gods, for witnessing my tantrums, listening to my complaints; but still continue to protect me. I would get back to my usual self soon, the next day, maybe. When I have recovered physically I am sure I could get back to the positive thinking mentality.
That is life.
In reality, one still has to face it, all by oneself. Can’t keep running away. Throwing tantrum and being grumpy a little during the journey, that’s fine.
Keep it up, self! I am not alone. Many might have experienced the same, just like my encounters (I guess), in other parts of this world.