Even with that fabric face mask in black, it still can’t reduce the shines in his grey eyes. (I think they’re… grey? Whatever. That can only be confirmed by the person in question.) The first thing that I noticed when I met him in person, was the long eye lashes he has… How could men have such long eye lashes? Perhaps it is just simply not commonly seen among Asian men? It curls, at least 1cm long, no doubt. How many layers of mascara do I have to apply in order to get my short eye lashes to be extended to such state? I wondered.
Two years of remote conference meetings and a few work-related emails in between every other month; that’s all the colleagueship we have built. Now, finally, got to meet him in person. A colleague from a far, came visiting our new office site. His business travel plans resumed right after the travel ban has been lifted, between countries. I didn’t feel much excitement about it though. Maybe we didn’t liaise much at work; what’s more when he was from a different department and based in different county?
Aside from his deep eyes and eye lashes, I continued to observe this new member in our office. What type of a person and the characteristics he would present himself when comes to work? He, who would be here for two weeks, was quiet. He was so quiet when there’s no meeting in place. When we had lunch together with the other head of departments, I didn’t see him initiating any conversation topics, he didn’t; but he replied to questions that sent his way.
(Hmm… Could he be bias to Asian? Or could it be management-position people tends to keep a distance with the lower-rank-position colleagues? Only he has the answer to why he stays quiet.) I didn’t have the answer for that.
When other colleagues talked to him, he would join in the conversation. (Strange…) Anyway, my observation continued. (If he carries good vibes, I don’t mind being a friend with him, outside of work. I look for quality over quantity when comes to friends. But still, be friend with colleagues do carry some risks. Colleagues should remain as colleagues. No good in sharing too much personal info with them. I had it tough once back then. Lessons learnt.) I had this in my mind. (Let’s see.)
He seemed to be quite a ‘down to earth’ type of person; someone that rolled up his sleeves and did the physical machine fixing work, despite of him holding a high position in the company hierarchy. No doubt, he has demonstrated himself as a doer, a helpful advisor and a go-to consultant. Quiet type but unexpectedly, he proactively contributed some useful info to assist Asian team when they were unable to attend to the question posted by the higher-ups. He did ‘save’ the team, right there and then, to my opinion. He didn’t gossip or talk negative things on other colleagues or topics of that kind when we had lunch. Some other colleagues enjoyed complaining and talking bad on other’s work.
(Could it be his position that prohibits him from being too talkative? Therefore, no comment; nothing to disclose. Well, one can put a boundary on topics that they can shared with non-management colleagues, right? Just filter away those topics that might trigger conflict of interest or confidentiality, will do.)
He cracked a few jokes during the dinner. Again, surprised me, and I laughed at his jokes. (People that have sense of humour shouldn’t be that bad a person to begin with.) That’s just my personal view that those people that cracked jokes were just trying to lighten the mood of the team from a stressful meeting discussion. Just a simple good intention. Up until now, I still didn’t have much conversation with him. (Maybe we were from different departments? Maybe no common topics that cliques? Maybe I didn’t initiate the conversation…)
Again and again, he surprised me with his actions. He ate the apple that I shared and put on his table as his tea break snacks; but those apples have somewhat turned brown and had oxide after exposed to the air for a while. (I wasn’t able to find any salt in the pantry, so… the apples won’t stay fresh until the time he returned from operation warehouse, down stairs.) I was in dilemma if I should leave the apples on his table. I left it there and went back to my work. I often had fruits for tea break; sometimes sharing with colleagues if I had more fruits that day.
Many good comments about him come from other colleagues that have liaised with him, more frequently. So far, I only saw one negative thing about him, over these two weeks, i.e. he would look at mobile phone during or after lunch. Other management bosses didn’t even look at their mobile phone during lunch. (He was not the only one that has busy schedule though. That’s the basic manner one should practice at dining table, isn’t it?) I didn’t voice it up to him.
(Dear Gods and Guides, please hear me out. Could you please let him has the will to initiate some talks with me? I would be on a business trip soon, i.e. going to visit the office where our finance colleagues and he based. I would like to get to know more about this person that holds much good qualities in him and his character. Grant my wish, please.)
I spent a week at overseas office. I only got to meet him on the first and the last day at work. He was so tied-up by the work schedules and meetings. A few business-courtesy greetings were the only conversation we had. Same as his previous trip visiting our company.
I felt disappointment, somehow. But I knew it was me who had imagined and expected too much when in reality we haven’t even had any non-work-related conversations, or one-to-one conversation. I had to divert my disappointment. So, I focused on work and went exploring this foreign land in a tourist’s mode and mood. The exploration journey enlightened my days. Good food also stopped me from being clouded by the thought of ‘my wish didn’t come true’. The inconvenience in his high-ranked position and mine might have been one of the reasons why we didn’t have any common topics to begin with… not to forget that he was a quiet person, so did I.
With other colleagues, I can talk with them on non-work-related topics; but not with him. He was rather ‘close off’. I still felt a little disappointed even though on my last working day at their office, he dropped by to say good bye and told me that he’d be coming to our local office next month, for a few days.
(At least, better than being ignored totally.) This good news didn’t bring me a tiny bit of happiness. I asked myself to stay emotionless as I knew I shouldn’t have any more expectations built up. I hoped I didn’t show the emotionless expression on my face. I returned him with a rather ‘force-to-make-one’ smile. He then left the office. Called it a day for Friday.
I thought we can chat a bit more… but we didn’t, at all. The one-to-one message that I sent through to him via company’s messenger tool, he didn’t read it. (Maybe he knows that that wasn’t work-related matter and he has no obligations to reply to me? Maybe we are in different departments and our position are not at par…) Many ‘maybe’ played in my monkey mind.
(Dear Gods, what’s next? To dim my passionate heart when it’s not even started? Not even a chance to be friend?)
‘Let go of your tendency to control. Don’t try to control the outcome. You want things to turn out the way you want them to be. That kind of ‘control’ needs could be due to you want to feel safe, so that you won’t get hurt again. We can’t control others.’ This was the message I heard from one of the wisdom guide clips, from my ‘guardians’.
(Sigh… so, this was the so-called ‘control’, huh? This is tough… What else that I need to improve myself on? Aren’t I just have to demonstrate the passion and authentic me to others, will be good enough? Am I too eager for an outcome – i.e. befriend with him?) I was ‘talking’ to Gods, in my mind.
(Should I stop instantly? Then, what about that reminder message that you sent me the other day, that said ‘I should continue working on it than just turning away from it when things didn’t happen the way I want them to be’? Which one should I do? I’m confused.)
“Huff…” another heavy sigh from me. I went for a coffee and took a break.
Not long after I returned to Singapore, since I knew that he would be coming to Singapore office soon; I thought of requesting for two pairs of the protective eye-wear that their office has, and giving them as souvenirs for the local management team. We didn’t have such well-protected design (they looked cool too) here, locally. They might be delighted by this kind gesture from him. I asked him for this small favour through a work email; he immediately replied to with a ‘not a problem’. He then asked his colleague to get the items ready for him, and stuffed them into his luggage next.
I was so glad that he didn’t ignore my message this time. Again, perhaps he was not in the right position to reply to those ‘coming out of nowhere topic’ messages from me.
Later days, I heard a local colleague shared his conversation with him. The way and the words he used was rather coming from an ‘auditor/policeman’s vibe’, and that seemed to have somewhat offended the team spirit of the local team. I was kind of shock to hear that he has actually said that in such a way. (Was he in pissed off mode that caused him to say such challenging words and in such tone? Or that was just another side of him?) As usual, I didn’t simply take in other’s comment on oneself; I would rather do my own observations work.
(Gods, are you sending me some signs about this person’s real colour (i.e. character)? Should I still approaching him and getting to know him? What’s all this?) I was confused, again.
This business trip that took place two weeks later, he came with two of his team members. They would only stop-over for that short three days. Upon settled down at the office which we have prepared for them, Johnny came over to my office door, with at least ten pairs of protective eyewear in both his palms! “Here you go!” He smiled and said to me.
“Thank you!” I returned him with a broad smile. Handed over those eyewear sets to our Safety officer; him would do the distribution to whoever needed afterwards.
Johnny returned to his office next. (See? Never initiate any conversation.) Anyway, still, I felt happy, for his willingness to do such favour. Not many high-post bosses would take up such hassles.
One day had passed, with multiple meetings he has scheduled with several head of departments. I only needed to attend one of them. Then they left the office before the traffic started during rush hour. I still worked at the office, a bit more work needed to finish. I then dropped him an email, asked him if he needs to accompany his team members after work tomorrow night and if any meeting schedules that might tie him up in the evening time; else, would he want to go for dinner? Email sent, I wrapped up my work and left office.
The next day, he didn’t mention anything about my dinner invitation. He did appeared as ‘online’ mode last evening before I left office. High likely he had read my email. Anyway, that’s just my guessing. I didn’t have the real answer.
He was busy with the engineering works with the operation teams. Down to earth, and one that would roll up his sleeves and join in those mechanical work – heavy and sweating physical work. I was busy at my own work as well. During lunch time, I joined local team members and ordered online delivery as usual.
Most of the time, I had my lunch in my office as my colleagues didn’t like to dine at lunch table, at the pantry. They preferred to eat at their own workstation, without any conversation among colleagues. I find that bored… (Why not sitting down, enjoy our lunch and have a little chit-chatting?)
During lunch time, I still didn’t see his respond to my invitation. My emotion started to trigger.
(Did I cross the line? Did he prefer to remained closed up and not wanting to hang around with Asian colleagues? Was I not attractive enough?…) Self-doubting started as well.
I knew I shouldn’t be emotionally triggered by external factor. I have learnt that from self-love tutorials. But still, I felt down and disappointed. My lunch became tasteless…
Messy monkey mind activated. I needed to practise self-love. I might have seriously convicted ‘sexual harassment’ at workplace. He would probably ignore my dinner invitation message just like what he did to those non-work-related messages that I once sent him. He has been giving me cold-shoulders; no reply at all.
I really didn’t feel good at that moment. (If he shown up and replied me with a ‘OKAY’, I should reject him, right? Or shouldn’t I? Don’t want to be people-pleasing and ignoring my own feelings. Would all those non-work-related messages that I sent him deemed as sex-harassment act? Oh, no…) I was in dilemma. (What should I do? I should not ignore my own feeling above all. Let’s see how he would express it in his reply to my dinner invitation… if he ever replied.)
(If my mood changes, I might go for the dinner. Else, I would just reject him. Up until this day, I still have some self-doubt in me, aren’t I?)
4pm, an email with his name shown as sender, arrived in my inbox. “Sorry that I have to take a few calls tonight and tomorrow night, and I need to discuss with my team members, they are still new… bla… bla… blah…”
Can’t deny. That’s the best courtesy reply to reject people. I looked to the window on my right and starred at the trees outside. Heavy sighing… (No hope for this one?) Life quote rang in my mind – ‘Sometimes, your authentic action might not get the same energy in return, not all gets reciprocate.’
Half an hour later, after my conference meeting, I replied to his email. “Plan changed; I need to stay back to work today. Tomorrow I already have other appointment. Hope you all enjoy your short stay!” Email sent.
Again, being the last to leave office, I switched off the lights and headed home. On the nearly an-hour journey home, I listened to a tarot card reading video clip from YouTube, a lovely message was sent (or conveyed) through. I listened to it, quietly. When I alighted from the MRT (mass rapid transit), I walked slowly towards the block that I stayed. I replayed that tarot card reading video.
‘You have overly-focused on him. You should focus back onto your own self. You have the same value that you admire from others. Don’t look from others, look within.’ The messages from the video said.
“I know, I just want to have more soul tribes.” I replied to the air.
‘He (referred to Divine Masculine) thanks you for giving him so much love and supports; but he needs to go through his life awakening path now. He is overwhelmed by your attention now.’
“I’m sorry…” I whispered.
‘He wants you to love yourself more, as you deserve the same love; and now it is time for you to put your attention back on to your artwork. He cares for you; he really thanks you. Let him be the one to return you with the actions next. You’ve done enough; this time, he would do that for you. Meanwhile, focus on your own craft as that would bring you good.’
“I miss you…” I said softly, with teary eyes. (Where are you?) I asked him in my mind.
(Dear Gods, Guides… Still… not this one? This colleague is not the one that I would develop a growing friendship or relationship with? Where is my divine partner?)
(I’d stop bothering that colleague of mine, since it is not reciprocated…)
“I’m sorry, Johnny, for those non-work-related messages… If they ever bothered you, I am sorry, I won’t do it anymore…” Softly, I said to the air, envisaged that Johnny was standing in front of me while I gave him my apology.
Passionate heart, [SHUT DOWN] button, clicked.… Back to my own self and worked on my artwork.
6:45pm, cloudy evening, a woman in office attire – Jane – was walking along the garden path. No one was there other than flower and plants. But if anyone ever took a closer look, there’re few water droplets that fell onto the floor she just stepped on. If those plants have arms, guess they would give this poor child a hug.
“Child, it’s alright to cry. Everything will be fine. Don’t be sad.
Everything will be fine… will be just fine…”
The next day, after done handling some personal matters, I reached office around noon time. The three gentlemen were already busy working at their office. I just walked past and went straight to my office. Timing was not right for me to say ‘Hi’.
I was busy at my work; tried to finish certain ‘to-do-list’ before I go on leaves. During coffee break, I said my prayers to Gods and Guides.
“Please let Johnny walks into my office to say his ‘Good bye’, as I really wanted to tell him what’s actually I had in my mind, I would like him to know. It is not so appropriate to talk to him on non-work-related topics, in the open area where other colleagues might over-hear our conversation. Let me have the chance to talk to him. Just that one minute, please, Gods.” I whispered. I continued on my work and waited to see what would come up around 4pm. That’s the time where they would leave office.
4:30 pm, I heard his voice saying good bye to the finance team, at their office. (Please come into my office; don’t bypass me and leave the office just like that…)
“Hey, Jane, we are about to leave.” He stepped into my office and said this, with a smile on his face. I turned around and looked at him. (I was happy to see his willingness to walk into my office. That was the first time he did that. Most of the time, he would just stop at the office door and do the talking right there. He put a clear boundary with each colleague. From my observation, he seldom enters into one’s office.)
“What time is your flight?” I asked. Slowly I walked up to him. He said that they would be flying out tomorrow but tonight he would have to finish the slides for his new team member. When he finished talking, I picked up the protective eyewear that I put as display item on my cupboard.
“Once again, thanks for bringing these. I always appreciate those small gestures individuals do.” I conveyed my appreciation to him. He replied something but I didn’t pay attention listening to it. (Was this the common issue in most women’s hearing ability and mind processing way?) He then looked at me, and I too, looked at him.
(Be brave! You can do it! Say it.) “I would… I would like to have a word with you.” He continued looking at me; waited for me to continue my sentences.
“In your past… two visits to Singapore, I can see that… you demonstrated some… good values that I appreciate and look for in a person.” I looked left and right. (That’s my bad habits. I can’t stay focus on one’s face or eyes when I talked to them. I’m still trying to improve this side of me.)
“So, that’s why I would like to know you more as a person; nothing to do with the company.” My vocabulary and grammar were broken; seriously. One sentence came with so many pauses in between… I was actually spoke in a really slow speed; I tried to form my sentences in my head; wanted to convey my authentic thoughts to him. I didn’t even look right into his eyes. (Too shy or nervous? Maybe both.)
“Those… ‘coming-out-of-nowhere’ messages and emails that I sent you… If they ever disturbed your peace, I’m sorry about that; that’s never my intention.” I looked at him. Apologetic tone sent his way.
“No, if you have anything to tell me, you can drop me messages via TEAMS. I have too many emails coming in… bla… bla… blah…”
I wasn’t able to remember what he said as I couldn’t pay much attention to him but on what I wanted to say next before I totally forget about it. My brain was in a mess. How I wished this was a recorded conversation…
“I’d stop doing that…” I added. My mood wasn’t hyped up by his reply. I did drop him a message via TEAMS. He never read it (or maybe he did). I guess that could be just another courtesy reply from him.
“No, no, no, I enjoyed them. Like I said, message me using TEAMS. I have too many incoming emails and sometimes, it gets rolled to the bottom of the emails.” He explained further.
(Oh, you enjoyed them? Good to hear that. But do you expecting me to continue one-sidedly entertaining you when you didn’t even reply a word? Healthy relationship only works both ways.) I didn’t say anything as my mind was busy processing all that information.
I put down the eyewear back onto the cupboard and murmured in softer voice “Yeah… It’s never my intention…” Again, this proof that, me, the woman in question, had issues in paying attention to what people were saying; and only capable to think what should I say next. Not able to have both things handled concurrently.
We walked out from my office. I wished him safe flight to Japan. “Thank you.” He said. He said it twice. He then did some wrapped up speech to the rest of the local team and bid his ‘good bye’. They then left; headed back to their hotel, before the Friday rush-hour traffic started.
(Thank you, Gods, for letting me have the chance to talk to him and I managed to finish what I’d like to tell him. What comes after, it’s fine. I have done what I should do for this chapter. I really feel good, right now. I think I can close this chapter and move forward.)
(Time to pull my focus back onto myself and my artwork.) I gave my highest gratitude to my dear Gods and Guides, wearing a relieve smile on my face. (I believe, I did.)
From that short conversation with Johnny, I can’t ignore my weakness where I didn’t pay attention to what people were saying during the conversation; that was rude. I had to look into this issue in me and do something about it to improve further, for my own sake.
(How I wish, our conversation was recorded… I want to hear what Johnny had said to me back then?)