“Ha-ha.. ha-ha…” I laughed so much, at his jokes, during the lunch with our local colleagues.
His attitude changed a little, in this business visit that happened two months after that… Actually, it was quite a lot, not just ‘a little’. (Did the words that I said to him on the last day of his previous business trip here reaching out to him? Would that mean that he was willing to accept my sincere friendship offer? Dear Gods, did you grant my wishes?)
I was delighted by his change. I continued to write him some non-work-related messages, from time to time. He… still didn’t reply to all of them. At the beginning, the first week right after my sincere ‘confession’ to him, he did reply with courtesy messages; but then, he totally stopped afterwards. (Maybe that was just too much for a high-position boss to attend to such light conversations of a stranger. Furthermore, he has lots of works and meetings that required his attention.)
But my gut feeling trusted that he had read all of my messages. He, just like some colleagues, had changed the default settings in their messenger, to hide away their ‘Read’ status. If work-related messages, he would reply fast. Non-work-related, zero reply.
I went for business trip to our headquarter, a month later, in October. I had to admit that I wished that he was here with me. Witnessed the autumn-winter season in the land, experienced the good food and numerous selfies at the places of interest. (How I wish my partner is with me now. I miss you. Do you… miss me?)
At the foreign land, patroned the street, alone, during my extended leaves and stays there. My mind and emotion were calm. (Frozen a little by the winter coldness? Ha-ha… Maybe.) I thought a lot actually.
Sat on the bench covered by fallen yellowish maple leaves. I observed the locals and people around. Some walked their dogs, let their dogs running happily on the grassland. Some busy taken selfies at beautiful angles that they spotted. I put on my earpieces and listened to my playlist.
(What am I going to do next? If a person is not interested in progressing on a relationship or being a friend, what’s the point of keep holding on, one sidedly? I truly understood that I have actually offended the ‘Sexual Harassment at workplace’. This would be a risk to my career. Should I stop now or what? And back to my moral principle that I hold to myself, I won’t allow anyone to be so impolite to me. Ignoring my messages, and no respond for so long. In the current generation, there’s a term to it – Ghosting.)
“Huh…” An exhale that can be visually seen, a white smoke that appeared in the winter season. (I have to put a stop to my non-work-related message to him. Although I still wanted to send and say to him. If he ever replies and tells me that he has intention to be friend, then we can continue chatting. Else, what’s the point in my action?)
I visited the morning market that was fully of local farm harvest products. Not only fruits and vegetable, but beautiful blooming flowers! Lots of art works stalls and local cuisines. I spent nearly two hours there. Followed the hawker stalls on both roadside and walked to the end of the road; and the U-turn to where I began; just to catch the bus from the same bus stop.
Carried a bucket of fresh strawberries with me. It only cost one Euro. What a good deal. Upon reaching my hotel room, I took out the note pad and got ready with a pen. Ate the strawberries that I had washed, I started to compile the sentences that I would like to say to him as it this would be the last conversation I would have with him; again non-work-related conversation.
My heart felt heavy… I started to write.
“Hi, Johnny, How have you been? I am here in London on my free and easy vacation. Heading home tomorrow. This is a nice place to visit, nice scenery, good food and beautiful architectural buildings.
So many things to say to you but don’t know where to start. During this trip, I thought a lot and I have made up my mind to stop sending you the non-work-related messages. I look for equal give and take relationship, be it friendship, love-relationship or even within the family. One sidedly investing into a relationship is not healthy. That was what I have learnt from the self-love tutorials.
I truly understand that I might have already convicted the Sexual Harassment at work place in my action. Never in my career life had I ever wanted to reach out to a person like I did to you. That very unprofessional of me. I would stop it.
Please take good care of yourself. Don’t be too strict onto your diet control. How about reduce the consumption of coke when you stomach is in such ‘fragile’ condition? Coke can even wash and clean up the rusty steel, you know? Glad to have know you. Thank you and good bye. Best regards, J.”
I took a photo of this letter that I have wrote. Sent it as a photo attachment to him. I didn’t type the messages this time. I left the letter anonymous. Johnny is smart, he can surely tell that letter with a ‘J’ initial was from me. (I just didn’t want to leave too much evidence of me in that sexual harassment action. Just another wishful thinking…)
Vacation ended. It was time to board the plane heading back to Singapore. I had fun! See you again, UK!
The business visit in mid-February, Johnny came with seven-hour flight, landed on Singapore right after Chinese New Year holidays.
I was so glad to see him in person. (Healthy and charming smiles. Good for him.) He has slimmed down a little. Hopefully, it was just the results of his proper diet and exercise; not body weight loss due to any illness.
Again, we didn’t have much interaction or work needs to be in the same meetings or discussions. In a group meeting with the executive teams, I was the last to enter the meeting room and seats were mostly occupied. I pulled a chair and sat at the end of oval-shaped long table. Sat right next to him. I might have caused a little inconvenience to him for sitting next to him, I guess. As what he was doing on his laptop, I can literally see it from side view, even though I have no intention to peek or look at other people’s laptop screen. Not a ‘busy-body’ to begin with. So, I had to act as if I looked to other directions when he was typing and doing his work.
We didn’t have any conversation so far other than that ‘welcome’ greetings when he stepped into our office on day one.
(Maybe my letter has caused some reluctance to him? Did he think that I don’t want his friendship anymore? Has he misunderstood that I chose to walk away from him? My decision was to stop myself from kept pouring my attention and efforts on him one-sidedly.)
(How to bring up this topic? I couldn’t bring myself to talk about this with him. For one, we are at work; two, I had no clue if he has any intention to talk about it.)
‘Sexual harassment’ was a tricky situation that has to be handled with care in order to avoid any likelihood to cause any inconvenience to the other party. (Professional, has to demonstrate professionalism at work…)
(It would be much easier if we were met in a pub or the beach. The thing is… for me to show up in those places is almost less than 1%.)
At group lunch, he talked lesser than his last visit, last year. (More silence… Just like his pattern since the beginning.)
I only got to see his chatty side in his previous trip where I got to tease him for being too quiet. Now, with me clearly stated that I was retreated from continuing with our non-work-related topics, he went back to his silence behaviour.
(I miss the chatty you… and your jokes…) I said this, only in my mind.
7. Like A Light Bulb
Busy, busy, busy at work. Time flew.
(Today will be his last working day at our office. He’d be heading back to Australia tomorrow.) Sigh… (No conversation with him. He really has zero interest in being friends, huh?) I let out another sigh.
“Hey, I’m about to leave. Drop by to say bye. I won’t be coming to office tomorrow.” His voice sounded in my office. I turned and looked his way. I felt happy seeing him. “Hi, tomorrow you’re not coming?” Just to be sure what I had just heard him saying.
“Yeah, I’d just work from hotel and then catch my flight at 7pm.” He said. “Oh…” I didn’t know what to say next. (Oh, yeah! I did write a few things on a small note, things that I’d like to talk to him if we ever had the chance to do so.)
I reached out to the small notes on my desk and I said “Come, a quick one, please have a seat.” I invited him to join me for a short conversation.
“Okay.” He accepted my invitation.
Now, he sat down. We were at same eye-level, facing each other. I peeked at my notes. I started one topic after another with him. Started with work-related topics, then led to his diet selection for his stomach issues.
“Yesterday, only I knew that your food choice might seriously affect your health. I’m sorry that I made jokes about the frequency of your stomach issues last time.” I had to apologize to him for comparing his stomach running lose to my case. I was trying to lighten his days by throwing him the fact that my stomach-running-loose days were worse than his.
“That’s fine. People just don’t know about it. We can’t find any gluten-free food here.” He said. “Almost everything has wheat in it.”
“Yeah, we don’t usually hear this term here. Just ignore what other people says. Just ignore. For you to be able to face the fact that your body changed, few years ago, and being so determined in your food intake, those efforts you’ve put in shouldn’t be taken lightly.” “So, just ignore them.” I stood up and walked towards my cabinet. I took out a box of glutinous rice cookies and handed it to him. “This is for you, but if you find any risk in taking it, just give it away then.” I said with confidence as I had checked the ingredients. No wheat; but not quite sure what whey powder was made of.
He took it and read the ingredients behind the packaging. “No, there’s wheat in it.”
(Hmm?!? What? Can’t be! I did check before I bought it… I missed reading it somewhere?) I didn’t know how to respond at that moment. (I didn’t do it on purpose.)
“You sure you don’t want to take it back as I really can’t eat them.” He looked at me and asked. No sign of annoyance shown on his face. I felt some relief but ashamed though. (How could I give him wheat products when we had just finished the gluten-free topic. Jeez…)
I took the cookies back instead. We then changed to another topic and had a little joke there. I walked him to the door of my office, he then continued bidding farewell with the rest of the colleagues.
That was all the conversation we had. Still, I appreciated it. He didn’t voice up his okay or not-okay about my non-work-related messages. He didn’t start the non-work-related topics; neither did I.
Working life went back to normal. All visitors had left. I buried myself into those backlogs piled up during holidays. Although at the back of my mind, I have kept a small hope that he might have feelings towards me. (Maybe I could really forget about him when the next new love-relationship comes? The answer to my question, I had no idea.)
“Me and my girlfriend…” he said.
Those four words were clearly said to me. The impact of this message was too massive. I was shocked by it and opened my eyes right away. My chest was breathing fast… (What was that? Nightmare!) I tried to calm my emotions. Stayed on the bed, in the dark. My mind was spinning. (Is that what you’ve been wanted to tell me? But couldn’t say it to me all this while, Johnny?)
For the first time he appeared in my dream… and this was what he said to me. What he said after those four words, weren’t clear; I didn’t hear it.
He, shown up in office attire, in my dream, faded away after that.
“Me and MY GIRLFRIEND…”
‘Girlfriend’ was cleared enough to tell that he has already committed to someone else. We met at the wrong timing. (Deep down, I did have a feeling that he might already have a partner. Most successful men would have already ‘taken’.)
Even though many people chose to ignore messages in dream. (But how can one explain to me, of all words, why those four words?)
That tiny hope that I carried with me has somewhat ‘evaporated’ and disappeared, just like Johnny in my dream… faded away.
Started with:
This One? (in excited mode)
Ended with:
Still… Not This One. (in disappointed mode)
8. Yeah, Right…