8. Yeah, Right…
Ever since then, I have made up my mind and told myself, again and again, to stop investing in Johnny. Yeah, right. Easier said than done.
The ‘pause’ period of stopping myself from trying to connect with him outside of work matters only last for a month or two. I would still come back to the ‘wants’ to write him something. What was wrong with me? But when I picked up my pen and paper to write the messages I would like to tell him, I was so indulged in that moment. My words flew fluently and filled up the full-scripted papers, one page and another. I enjoyed the moment.
I hated this side of me, honestly. This one-sidedly pouring interest in another person when the other party didn’t really respond any to it.
“Where is your pride as a woman? Jeez!” I asked myself, loud. I was on my bed, alone in my bedroom; analysed and debated within. What should it be that could really stop me from sending him messages about non-work-related topics? I shared about this and that but never mentioned anything directly pertaining to love or relationship. It was merely on topics that could have among common friends.
This action of mine actually carried a huge risk to my career.
The worry-ward me asked, “What if one day Johnny used it against me?”
The happy-go-lucky me replied, “Well, that’s the cost of knowing him as a person. Worst case, just resign and leave the job.”
Yeah, I was convinced by this. To top it off, if Johnny really finds my messages annoying, he could have told me to stop, warned me or something along that line. But, till this day, he didn’t show his annoyance. He visited our local office several times after my confession of wanting to get to know him incident. Not even once, had he avoid me or our conversation in the office. Did he enjoy those non-work-related messages I sent him? Well, he did mention that he enjoyed them, back then.
If I were him, I think I would have enjoy reading letters or messages from my fan(s). Ancient way of putting messages in a letter has been faded away and superseded by short messages with emoji via messenger apps in every mobile phone. I would be delighted to receive hand-written letter that was sent to me in a jpg-formatted photo.
Every time, during Johnny’s business visits to our local office; I tried to initiate conversations with him when we went out for lunch with other colleagues. He joined in the jokes and answered our questions but still, never once, he initiated a topic of conversation. I saw this side of him even when we were at the dinner with all the top-management team members. He smiled on colleagues’ jokes, answered to questions sent his way; and then stayed quiet throughout the dinner session. He didn’t even participate or chip-in his thought in any of the conversation topics. Was this side of him his true self or he just didn’t want to join in the team? I don’t have telepathic ability that can understand his thoughts or reason behind his action; therefore, I couldn’t tell.
9. A Full Stop
The work environment for the second half of the year has turned sour. Most of the local management team members was not being invited or be included in management’s significant meeting discussion. Even I could tell that someone was plotting something (not good) behind the scene. Director has been offered another position with lower salary package; another director resigned after being offered a manage-titled position; and even my multi-tasked team (including myself) were being given negative comments, such as over-paid, lack of technical knowledge, low quality working experience.
What happened? We had done our very best throughout the year and met the budget for the year. It was supposed to be celebrated and yet such treatment was sent from the management that managed the APAC region.
My work performance review with my manager has gone south as well. Our hard work and contributions were flushed down the drain by the degrading and disrespectful comments from my manager. I know, it is good to receive comment for self-improvement. But when the comments weren’t the truth but more of a blaming action from manager, why should I still be accepting those blames with a smile? I could tell that my manager was, again, trying to brush off her responsibility as the head of finance for APAC-region companies. ‘I don’t know’ was said by her, a few times, in that meeting.
What are you talking about? Each week, you set up weekly catch-up meeting and had me updating all the finance activities and work progress to you. Since she was based in Australia, that was the least we could do to report our work to her. And now, she turned around and pushed all the blames onto me that I didn’t perform my role as finance manager.
Hello~ were you sleeping for the past two years since you took up this role? When you drew the monthly salary as the Head of Finance, APAC; did it ever come across your mind to refund part of your salary to the company for you never demonstrated your roles and work responsibilities for ASIA companies then?
That was the moment I sensed that the direction from the management has changed and we were not being informed. They would be the players and we (local team) would be the victims to the game they have plotted. For one to push away her job responsibility by quoting ‘I don’t know’, that was the joke of the year! As a professional, one shouldn’t even expect to give such lame excuses. The minimum level of respect I have for my manager has gone down to negative point (i.e. the level below zero).
This phenomenon carried over to new year. Many local team members were mentally-demotivated except for one or two that got promoted. Many colleagues just tried to do their job as requested by management without any more enthusiastic they have shown at their work in the past. I too, was in dilemma if it was time to change job.
Johnny came visit in the new year. My one-to-one written message to him about the way my manager doing thing has been conveyed to my manager, by him. I was told and being asked by my local director why did I said such thing to Johnny about my manager. I was caught off guard.
So, they really are in good terms, to the point of sharing such info among themselves, huh?
My manager joined Australia company and has been in close-working relationship with Johnny. I knew the risk of him sharing my comments with my manager. And, this happened. I explained to my local director about the work-related topic that I shared with Johnny and the comment I had on my manager. Not to my local director’s surprise about the comment I voiced up as I had already updated him before last Christmas regarding the work performance discussion and those negative comments my manager had towards me and my team. The helpless advice from my local director to me was to stay low profile as much as possible and let them say whatever they want; don’t get heated up by their comments.
I knew, deeply, this advice from my local director was to save my from being terminated by my manager and keep me in the company. I was gratitude towards him. Well, what’s done is done. If my manager holds grudges towards me and aiming to shack me soon, that’s nothing much I could do, is there? I saw the true colour in my manager. Her way of doing things since the years, could no longer able to earn my trust and respect.
And as for Johnny, I walked up to him and asked for a quick chat, closed door. I asked him for the reason behind his decision and action of sharing my comments with my manager.
Johnny: Well, I was just asking her if she has any work conflict with you. And was thinking that you two should talk it through.
I was not sure if he told me the truth or filtered away the real thing. He can act if he wants to, since it’s a closed-door discussion and only me that he was talking to. During the conversation, I slowly released the incident and shared with him the reason on those comments that I quoted on my manager. I might be expecting him to understand the scenario I was it but my action could be totally, in vain, in the end.
Each point that I brought up, Johnny would be able to quickly think of a rather common reason to back it up, for my manager or for any third party that I mentioned in my words. Was he taking on an onlooker’s position and comment with a neutral view on the situation? Or, was he having a tendency of standing on the other party’s side (on my manager’s side, to be precise), irrespective of rightfulness of my action or reason. If it was the latter, then, congratulations to my manager for she was lucky to have such a protective colleague, Johnny, who would stand on her side, no matter what.
Just that less than 30-minute short conversation with Johnny, I could somewhat gauge the perspective in looking at a subject matter he holds. That was something not vibe along or even close to my basic view points and moral principles in interaction with humans or colleagues. Maybe his way of doing thing would be the better one, to many people’s points of view. But, I just found that he might be too quick to jump into conclusion. Or was I the one instead? I had my observation on my manager’s way of doing things for a long time, though.
Johnny did generously share a few suggestions to the work issues my team faced. I thank his time for listening to my words and stepped out from his office. I didn’t hold any expectation on Johnny. If he wants to share the conversation we just had with my manager, go ahead. I don’t care anymore.
I still recalled and analysed the conversation I had with Johnny, for a few times, the following days. This incident was the meaningful turning point for me. Conclusion made. I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. This was too far off for me. The perspective one holds can’t be easily changed. Forcefully trying to accept and adapt to other’s perspective to the point of ignoring own’s way of thinking and life principles, just wasn’t my take.
I put a full stop. Finally and officially, a full stop to my behaviour of one-sidedly reaching out to Johnny. This is it. No more. Johnny, if he really has the intention to get to know me as a person or being a friend, he should, at least, demonstrate it in his action. We can talk from thereon.
I feel so tired of all these… All these negative people and environment I am in. I have to put my focus back onto myself.
Thank you.
Words from the author:
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