1) The Ceiling…
(Oh… There’s a fly on the ceiling today.) Grandpa Lee said, to himself. It was just another day where he can only stare at the ceiling view above his bed. No one heard what he just said, as he said it in his mind, ever since he has been in paraplegia condition (or whole body paralyze).
His daughter, Kim, who was single and at her 40s, took up the responsibilities to take care of him. All the matters that any human being has to do each day; Kim had to assist Grandpa Lee going through and complete each of them. She prepared three meals a day or maybe just two meals a day for him (sometimes); shifted him from bed to reclining chair, and… even cleaned up his mess (i.e. excrement).
Grandpa Lee has three sons but they have their own family and no room take him into their house. That was what they told Kim.
(I’m sorry, Kim… You should have enjoyed your own life. It’s me that trouble you and occupy most of your time…) Grandpa Lee saw all those with his very own eyes. None of his sons (mature men) was willing to take up the responsibilities but pushing all those hassles onto their daughter. (Simply, because if she was single? Was it because she was a female and that led to the thoughts of she was supposed to handle those chores?) Emotional-roller coaster hit Grandpa Lee, from time to time. He apologised to his daughter, numerous times, but she heard nothing.
This was a two-bedroom house, that came with a living room and dining room. Dining room was now occupied by Grandpa Lee his bedroom. That was for convenient sake as that area was the nearest to the restroom.
Only a low tone of “Uh… uh…oh…” came from Grandpa Lee. No other sounds in the house. No music, no conversation, nothing…
No one knew what he was saying; what he tried to convey.
2) Anger Overtakes…
Back then, not everyone could afford for an electronic-adjustable bed or hire a maid to take care of an paralyse patient.
“Up! Huh!!” Kim, with all the strength that her small-built body has, tried to shift her father from bed to the reclining chair, in the morning. At night, she would move him back onto his bed. Every day, without fail. It was not an easy job, but exhausting one. Kim cooked cereal for her father to eat. He can’t chew anymore. His condition was not convenient for him to put on his dentures set. Therefore, Kim could only feed him with creamy food such as porridge or cereal. As for meat or vegetable, she would need to cut them into small pieces, so that he could chew a little with his gums and swallow the food without much difficulties.
“Open up your mouth.” With the spoon reached closer to Grandpa Lee’s mouth, Kim told her father. Grandpa Lee opened his mouth slowly, to the max possible angle that he could. To other’s eyes, Grandpa Lee has just opened his mouth slightly. It wasn’t widely open; just around one-centimeter wide. But no one can tell how much efforts Grandpa Lee has put in to open his mouth to that extend. Spoon by spoon, slowly Kim fed her father, the small portion of food that he could eat.
Often times, cereal dropped on Grandpa Lee’s chin, neck and even his shirt. His slightly-open mouth can’t take in that spoon-full of food.
“Hmm…” Kim let out a heavy sigh. She took a handkerchief to wipe him clean.
(I’m sorry, Kim. I didn’t mean to… I’m trying my best to open my mouth as wide as I could) he said.
Kim looked into his sorrow eyes; her dad was looking at her as well; but she has no feeling about it. She has been numbed by all these, by now.
Kim worked part-time as administration staff, in a medium-sized supermarket at town area. Work stress hit her like most people faced. She carried those work anxieties home.
“Why can’t you eat properly?” She yelled at her father when he, again, has some food dropped on his chest. “You know how tiring it is for me to do all these tasks for you?” Kim frowned her eye-brows, said out loud whatever that came into her mind, to Grandpa Lee. Tears drop flew down from Kim’s eyes, she cried but still continued feeding cereal, spoon by spoon, to her father.
Grandpa Lee looked at her with sad eyes, “Uh… uh…” sounds came from him.
“Finish your meal, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Kim instructed him, with angry voice. She then brought over a wet towel and a pail of water. It was time to give Grandpa Lee a body-wipe (substitutes to a shower). He, even though in paralyze condition, his body weight was still an adult body. It was too heavy for a 150cm-height and small built Kim.
Several trials to lift him up, but fail.
“Argh!!” She pinched his tight, his arm, forcefully. She released her anger onto him. Tears dropped from Grandpa Lee’s eyes, this time… This kind of occurrence happened from time to time, when Kim lost control of her temper and vent it onto Grandpa Lee. Both of them suffered, mentally.
3) Grandchildren
During the weekend, Grandpa Lee’s son will come visit. His sons will hand over some money to Kim, to cover the expenses and compensation for her work in taking care of their paralyze father. Grandpa Lee has many grandchildren, one as young as four years old and the others are already a secondary schooler, around eighteen years old.
Today, Min and Keat came with their parent to visit Grandpa Lee.
“Grandpa!” They both greeted him. They stood by the side of his bed. Min was at seven and Keat was four years old.
(Oh… My sweet granddaughter and grandson! Min min, Keat keat, how are you? You both look cute as always.) Grandpa Lee’s eyes sparkled. “Uh! Uh…uh…” he said.
Min held on to grandpa’s skinny and pale palm. Grandpa Lee looked happy seeing both his cute little ones.
“Grandpa, how are you? You have to eat well every day, yeah?” Min talked to her grandpa that can no longer replying to her properly. Her lovely grandpa can no longer give her a pampering hug or even lifting her up in the air, like he used to do in the past.
Both of his grandchildren talked with him a little. Then Grandpa Lee’s elder son, Sean, walked in. Sean pulled a chair and sat by his father’s bed.
Sean held onto his father’s hand, “Pa… How are you?” He rubbed his hand slowly; gave him a little massage on his arm. “Are you feeling alright? Any pain, anywhere?” Sean asked.
“Uh… uh.. uh…” Grandpa Lee responded. (I’m fine. Thanks for bringing the little ones along. I missed them a lot. You slim down a little. Are you doing okay?) That was what Grandpa Lee said to Sean. Father and son spend a little ‘chatting’ moment.
After spending nearly an hour visiting his father, “Bid your grandpa goodbye.” Sean turned and said to his children.
“Grandpa, bye bye! We will come to see you again.” Min said. “Bye bye, grandpa!” Keat followed. Sean had a little chat with Kim before they headed home, a place that is one-hour driving distance.
Once again, left only Kim and Grandpa Lee, in that house.
4) Group of Friends
“They were once I cared for, so dearly! My sons and daughter. Now that I’m getting older and sickness shows up and takes over my ageing body, one after another; none of them is willing to take care of me.” Ah Beng, Grandpa Lee’s neighbour who was around the same age as Grandpa Lee, complaint about his family issues.
Back in those days, when Grandpa Lee was still in healthy condition, often times, he would enjoy tea break with his buddies. A few close friends and neighbours, made an elderly gathering group. Besides playing chess and drinking Chinese tea, most topics that they would grumbling on would be how their kids treated them at home. Elderly gathering group seemed to be a safer place for this group of close friends to share their complaints with each other, openly.
“Those aged-people sickness causes me… unable to carry out some of the simplest daily self-care actions. Nobody wants to get sick! Right?” Ah Beng continued. He gripped his fist; his eyes looked down and eye brows were frown.
“Yeah, sickness… is like this; that’s a life cycle that we can’t do much about it.” Grandpa Lee added.
“Everybody wishes for health body forever but the word ‘forever’ was actually a vocabulary that was created by humans one-sidedly even though the universe doesn’t work that way.” Took a sip of the Chinese tea, Grandpa Lee continued. “Things change, from time to time. It’s not within our control…”
Opened his eyes, Grandpa Lee woke up from his dream.
(Oh… It was just a dream? That was the tea break with Beng and the gang back then. How long has it been? Ten years? Fifteen years?) Grandpa Lee stared at the ceiling and lost in his memory recalling those tea-gathering moment with his friends.
(I never thought that this would happen to me, one day… To have my kids to take care of my daily activities to such an extend of tiring and burdening hassles to them. Who is willing to take care of me and who is not; I can see it clearly, now, with my own eyes… Ah Beng, now, I know how you felt; I know it very well now…) Emotional hit Grandpa Lee when he linked his current conditions to his past memories.
(I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, my child. I didn’t mean to bother you like this. I should have taken care of my body health when I was still young; when I was still able to do that… I ignored the importance of body health. I shouldn’t have… I’m sorry…) Grandpa Lee said to Kim, in his mind, one night, when Kim fed him porridge.
Kim carried out her routine task, i.e. feed her father. She wore no facial expression on her face. Emotionless, as if a robot in autopilot mode.
(How I wish I could just die instantly when I heard that I got such a sickness. Clear-cut. No hassle to anyone…) Grandpa Lee’s eyes were getting red and teary…
He continued to eat the porridge, spoon by spoon, fed by Kim. No conversation… Kim stayed silence while Grandpa Lee was crying ‘inside’…
5) Which Scenario Is Better?
Friday, during lunch time, Kim headed out to grab herself a quick lunch at hawker centre near her workplace. She took her meal at a table, at the far end corner of the hawker centre. Kim, then, enjoyed her coffee, slowly. A dish cleaner auntie who was cleaning Kim’s table has attracted her attention.
“Thank you.” Kim thanked the cleaner auntie. This auntie was quite old-aged; definitely above sixty-five years old. She walked slowly with her slightly hunchbacked body. She patrolled from table to table to clean the dishes and wipe the table.
(She’s already way passed her retiring age but still need to work as dish cleaner to earn a living, at hawker centre. Living expenses, could be the main reason. Human needs money to support their daily needs.) She thought about it and then let out a heavy sigh.
(Would I become like her? I don’t have any children. Well, those with children, doesn’t seemed any better, either. I have heard from many old folks that complaint on their kids that never gave their parent a single penny, to support their parent’s living expenses.) Kim’s monkey mind was activated.
She diverted her gaze and looked to ground floor area. There was a spacious square with some people gathering around the garden seats. An old uncle was busy looking for empty cans from dust bins, that were placed around the garden. He picked up those empty soft drink’s cans, smashed them flat with his foot. One by one, he collected them and put them into his huge bag. Old newspapers were also part of his searching items. All those items can then be sold to recycling company for a few pennies in returns. His clothes were covered with sweats; but still he kept on collecting those recycling items.
(Could it be that these old folks didn’t plan well for their retirements? Or they were just like most Asian parents that tend to spend all their savings onto their kids; never kept some for themselves? I don’t want that kind of life.) Kim looked at the uncle who was waiting for the youngsters to finish their soft drink; those empty cans were what he was after.
(Ageing… One can either continues working for a living, or worst case, suffers sickness that take away their ‘freedom’ to anything else…. Which one is better?) (Hmm… hmm… What kind of question is this? Like we have a choice.) Kim chuckled by her own silliness.
(Nothings seems easy… Like dad, although he was paralyzed, he was quite ‘lucky’ to still having me taking care of him and his sons pay for his living expenses. What he lost was the ‘freedom’ and ability to move around.) Another heavy sigh came from Kim.
(Let’s head back to office. No point thinking of these no value-added matter. What comes next in life, is beyond human’s control. That’s life.) Slowly, she walked back to office.
(Another four hours to go.) She murmured.
6) Don’t Look!
“Little ones, don’t look at me! Please, don’t look this way.” Grandpa Lee screamed loud, in his mind; but the only sounds he sent was still the “Uh.. Uh. Uh!”
He was currently sitting on his chair, naked. Kim was in the middle of giving him a body wipe, with a tower, wet with warm-water.
Today was Sunday. Sean brought along Min and Keat to visit.
(What a wrong timing this is… I’m naked now!)
Grandpa Lee felt so awkward when both of his grandchildren that were now standing far at the living room, but looked at his way.
“Don’t go there. Grandpa is having body wipe. Wait at living room.” Sean asked both of them to stay at living room and not to go near to dining room.
Still, the adult’s naked body built attracted the little ones’ attention. Min and Keat had only seen each other’s child-body built, when their parent gave both of them a shower, at home.
Without them knowing, their angelic eyes and gaze at that moment, hurt their grandpa, the most…
(My pride as a grandfather has all vanished; my pride as a man has all gone down the drain.) Grandpa Lee cried inside… Self annoyed. He kept shouting, in his mind.
(Why me? Why me, God!)
(Why don’t you just let me die the day I fell down from the bicycle? I don’t want my life to be like this. This is a torture…)
He paused his thoughts a little… (But… I won’t and I couldn’t bring myself to end my life with my own hands…)
(I was a Chinese traditional doctor, myself. I won’t do such a thing to myself! Please, could YOU please end my misery life?) Tears ran down his face, wet his neck a little.
Kim noticed his emotional struggles, but no reaction at all; while those two innocent grandchildren were wondering “Why grandpa cries?”
(What wrong have I done for me to suffer my retired life on the sickbed? I don’t remember doing any evil or harmful act upon anyone, why me? Why…) Grandpa Lee still buried himself in the miserable mood. Tears wet his pillow that night. His daughter has gone to bed.
The whole house was in pitch dark. The only brightness came from the street lights that shined through the window from the back lane of the house.
The more he lost in his thoughts, the more tears dropped onto his pillow.
“Woo… woo…” his cry, softly echoed in his bedroom.
(Mary… My dear, my beloved wife…)
(Would you please come and bring me along with you? I miss you so much.)
(I have had enough with this life. Wouldn’t you come and bring me along? I know I need to wait until my time is up…)
(But when that time comes, I am here waiting for you, okay? Come and fetch me, okay?) He murmured in his mind with only the “Uh.. Uh. Uhh…” sounds came from his no-longer-able-to-speak-mouth.
Tears dropped, silently, again, that night…
7) Sweat Dream
On Saturday night, Grandpa Lee found himself feeling rather relax, both mentally and physically.
(Strange enough… But anyway, it’s been a while since I could feel so relax…) He entered into his sleep, in a light-hearted mode. He had a gentle smile on his face. He fell asleep, in a minute or two. Fast asleep as ever.
“Huh?!? Mary? Mary! Is that you?” He shouted to that person that he has missed for so long, his beloved wife.
A woman in light green dress, smiled gently towards him, without saying a word. She reached out her hand, he quickly ran over and grabbed her hand, with both of his palms. Followed with a big hug.
“It’s been so long! Mary, my love. Mary…” Tears, uncontrollable dropped from Grandpa Lee’s eyes. He sent over multiple kisses to his lovely wife. Mary hugged him and lightly pat on his back.
“You know what? I got coma and paralyzed for years. I can’t do a thing!! How suffering for a talkative me. Can you imagine that?” He described his recent life with her.
“Hmm? How come I can speak now?” “Whatever. Mary, I love you. I love you so much!!” He can’t stop talking to her, kissing her, telling her how much he missed her, and sharing with her what has happened when she was gone.
She gently nodded her head and responded with a lovely gaze and gentle smiles. Actually, that was all Grandpa Lee ever need. Just like before, in their married life, he talked most of the time, and she smiled and listened. She would respond to him during the conversation, on and off. That was their style as a couple.
They continued with their heart-to-heart conversation and started to slowly walking in the flourish garden. Where were they heading to, who cares? Grandpa Lee doesn’t care at all! As long his wife was with him.
All his exciting shouts and words he said to his wife didn’t actually make any sounds or voices at that night. That night, passes in silence, as any other nights.
Kim discovered his cold body, the next morning.
8) Where Is Grandpa?
As Grandpa Lee has wished for, i.e. Grandma Mary finally came and fetched him to the afterlife’s world, a place called ‘heaven’.
“Dad… You’ve finally being freed from this coma life. I wish that you’re at the good hands of God now. Please forgive me for everything things that I have done onto you (referring to beating him when anger overtook her reasonable minds) in the past. I didn’t mean to. I am sorry…” Kim let her tears flowing. Not sure how many packets of tissue papers had she used up. Her eyes were a little swollen.
“Please don’t worry about us anymore. May you meet with mum there. I love you both.” Kim murmured wholeheartedly during the funeral – a ritual ceremony to send her father (literally, the corpse) off for the last time.
Sadness overwhelmed everyone in the funeral ritual. The attendances were mainly their relatives, neighbours and some close friends of Grandpa Lee. Even though many realized that this would actually be a good ending for Grandpa Lee as he could finally be freed from staying on his sickbed, still, many couldn’t help to feel the loss of a good soul from this world.
Trace of tears can be easily spotted on Sean’s face, even though he tried so hard to hold in all his sadness.
“Papa… Where is grandpa?” Seeing Grandpa Lee’s photo right at the centre of the room but no sight of grandpa anywhere, Min asked with anxiety. She couldn’t find grandpa anywhere. “Aunt Kim didn’t bring grandpa along?”
“Grandpa has gone for a vacation, in a far… far away land…” Sean replied with his shaky voice.
“I want grandpa… I want grandpa… uuwahhh…” Keat started to cry out loud. As if he was able to sense the heavy atmosphere and something bad happened to his lovely grandpa. Children sometimes has unexplainable strong instinct.
“Don’t cry, my baby… Grandpa is fine, don’t worry.” Tears dripped as Jane tried to calm her child down. “Mama… I want grandpa… uwahh…” Keat repeated.
Seeing her little brother cried, Min started to cry as well. Hugging tightly onto her father’s neck, she cried until nearly choke.
To all these dear ones and close friends, Grandpa Lee has to ‘officially’ bid them farewell now and leave them on this mundane world, from there on.
“Good bye and take good care of yourself.”
A gentle voice came from Grandpa Lee, echoed from heaven.
Still, no one heard it.