Chapter 1 - Two Years...
After completing all the Vaccinated Travel Lane (VTL) flight’s requirements between countries; finally, home sweet home. I am back in my home town. Two long years by now, how many families have been separated by Covid-19 cross-country travel ban? I am one of them.
Home – this place is supposed to be a place for one to rest or at least, to relax after a tiring day (physically) and/or stressful day (mentally). This is what ‘home’ supposed to be, to me, this is what I think, am I wrong? But I felt restless during those few days when I was home. This trip triggered me to think further. Are there some patterns of doing things that I have been carrying over years as a habit? Do I have to change it to encounter my fear? Do I have to loosen my desperation in getting myself healed? Are these the so-called healing of fears that I need to do for myself in order to move forward? One thing I have learnt was, if one could just switch their mindset, their views on a subject matter, their attitude and habit in handling it will slowly change and improve as well. On top of that, their emotion also becomes light and easy.
Thanks to my superior’s approval, I managed to take ten days annual leaves from work and bought a VTL-flight return ticket heading back to my hometown. (Hooray!) Subtract away those times and days that I have to spend on those hassle procedures at respective airports and those documentation works needed at government offices and bank; literally, I left with seven days. Well, those were two years’ load of paperwork that I need to attend to, myself. What to do? Can’t complain; just get it done one by one. What’s more when I still need to login from time to time to check work-related emails? Many might say that I don’t have to as I am officially ‘on leave’. (Haha… easier said than done.) When I know that there are works that need my attention, how can I simply leave those to others that are not clear about the matter? Those tasks alone, drain me, physically.
Unlike any of my previous go-home trips, this time, I plan to spend more time with my family. From the start of virus outbreak, cross-country travel bans, to the increase of worldwide death rate; undoubtedly, some level of emotional impacts hit me. Worries, anxieties and homesick that I had never felt so strong before, hit me, overwhelm me. What’s more? My parents are looking so much older! Ageing signs such as grey hairs and wrinkles can be spotted without any effort. (Sigh…) Their bodies have become so much thinner, and their walking pace had slowed tremendously. (…) Speechless, I felt sad. They were so strong the very last time I saw them, two years back.
Chapter 2 - At Home - Subject# 1 (She Hasn't Change)
As there are no public holidays in between those ten days, most of my friends are at work, and thus, meet up is not convenient. Furthermore, gathering is avoided as much as possible by local community, since Covid-infection rate is currently at its peak.
I will be staying with my parents and both my niece and nephew. First challenge comes my way on the first morning after I reached home – my mother. Her health has deteriorated a lot in this couple of years. She lost most of her ability to move around freely. Walking stick and wheelchair are her ‘must have partner’ now.
Human’s behaviour won’t change easily, my mother still continues with her behaviour of ordering people around like a queen without showing any gratitude towards others’ helping hands. At this stage of being physically inconvenience condition, she is still choosy on every little thing.
One afternoon, my father prepared for everyone some toasts with fried eggs. It would have been a light and cosy tea breaks for us to chillout. When food was served to her, “I want steamed buns.” She said. Not a single “thank you” to my father who put in efforts in preparing her the food, instead, words that threw all his efforts down the drain. I asked her what was on her mind for saying that when the toast was ready for eat. She said we have lots of frozen buns in the fridge and no one is eating them. (My goodness… Isn’t this merely a wrong timing for her to voice up this concern of hers?) Miscommunication can easily happen, anytime, anywhere. My father won’t know this as his frustration has stopping his willingness to ask my mum why she said so, I guess. If no one is willing to further clarifying it, hard feelings might just remain in each other’s heart, unsolved for a long time.
When we are heading out for meal, most of my family members are easy going; we are fine to choose from the food varieties that are available in that particular hawker place we are at. Not to our surprise, my mother will always ask for food that is not sold there but far away at another hawker place; she never fails in doing this. So frustrating, seeing with my very own eyes such inconsiderate human being; no others but my own mother. Where are all the messages and lessons, she learnt from those Hong Kong dramas? She can tell which characters in the drama is bad, this and that; yet she can’t ‘see’ any of her own.
Chapter 3 - At Home - Subject# 1 (The Queen Continues...)
“Hang the laundry”, “Put it there”, “Bring me that” … (Don’t order me around. I hate it! I really hate it. I have had enough with that, for ages.) But there is another voice ringing in my mind “Mum can only do talking now. What do you expect her to do on her own at this almost partially physical disability condition?” I know that well. Clenching on the back of my teeth, I try to calm myself down. (Take a deep breath and calm down, me!) I talk to myself while in my mind I scream like the Hulk, i.e. that green muscular man in the Avengers.
One of the issues that I observed is that up until now she still doesn’t have the motivation to do a little ‘mild’ exercise that would help her condition. Before she became such physically impaired, I had persuaded her n-times to do some exercises that any old folks could do, i.e. mild stretching while sitting on the chair posture. And… she never listens. I gave her one final lecture, and this time, with harsh and impactful words. Those words really made her went into silence in the middle of our talk. I didn’t feel any better, either. I somehow regretted it. It’s like a double-edged sword that hurts both ways. At night, I reflected on my actions before bed. I really am ‘不孝’ – pronounce as ‘Bu Xiao’ in Mandarin, which means not respecting parents; actions that made elders sad. Dilemma and the ‘I should’ versus ‘I should not’ keeps debating in my mind. I went to bed with heavy emotional stress.
But to my surprise, I saw her starting to do a few arms lifting actions the next day. This was a pleasant surprise to me. I really hope that she would continue on it and not just do thing her usual way, i.e. nothing lasts for two days. Fingers crossed.
One day while watching TV, I asked my mother if she knows how good my father is treating her, to a level that I won’t do for her? I said it bluntly. She said that she knows but surprise to hear me saying that I won’t do those work for her.
There are things that I would do or offer help but there is a limit to everything. I don’t feel like helping one who doesn’t appreciate it or one that presumes all the good acts from others are what they deserved to enjoy. I wasn’t quite sure if she would realize how lucky she was for having such a good partner that takes good care of her, day and night, even though my father has his bad temper sometimes. No one is perfect. May God bless this ageing couples.
Chapter 4 - At Home - Subject# 2 (Is This A Bedroom Or Storeroom?)
There are so many things that I felt like ‘I HAVE TO DO’ but I felt tired the same time. There were unused old toothbrushes in the bathroom where no one claimed it; there are expired food in the fridge that no one have time to take the effort to throw them away. (Why can’t they practice such simple behaviour and maintaining basic tidiness at home?) Since I only came home three times (the most) in a year, my bedroom has been vacant. My family members tend to place some items in my room, as if that was a storeroom. Bulky fitness equipment, extra pillows, boxes, luggage, and so on, all piled up in my bedroom. My bedroom was so packed and messy, I can’t take it. This Free-of-charge (FOC) maid – me, felt tired, again. About six black trash bags ended up ready to be taken away by the recycle truck. I’m all dusty and sweaty; I headed for a shower, thinking, this home is not only me to take up the responsibilities to maintain.
(I shouldn’t have put others’ responsibilities all onto myself.)
I started self-love and discernments awareness about half-year ago. So many things that I need to go within and think; and reconsider the root cause of my train of thoughts. ‘Cut the family karma that has been passing down from generations’ – I am still trying to comprehend the true meaning of this phrase but one thing I know is, I really want to end it (if there is any). There are room for improvements here and there; why stick to ‘it has been done this way all the while’?
Chapter 5 - At Home - Subject# 3 (The Head Of The Family)
“Pa, if possible, try reduce the tendency in picking bones from bucket of eggs with your daughter-in-law. She has been adapting into our family much better now, giving birth to two grandchildren that you hold dearly. She helps brother in his business and brings you guys (both my parents) for good meals once a while. What’s more that you guys still want to complain about?” One day, I talked to my father when we went to post office to renew my driving license. “There are cases where daughters-in-law in other families have bad attitude or materialistic mindset that simply spend and ignore family and children’s needs totally.” “Those small imperfection in her daily behaviour, just close one eyes and let it be. We can voice it up to her when timing is right.”
“We didn’t say anything to her lately. We didn’t. All went well now.” He replied. (Really? Good then.) “Live in harmony within a family is the optimum days we could have. Be appreciative.” I ended the topic. Previously, I kept hearing over the phone that my parent complaining about my sis-in-law for things that she didn’t perform. Different family has different ethics and practices carried down over generations. There might be some ‘clashes’ when two different cultures meeting one another under one roof. Compromise and positive conversation are needed from both ends.
We have done with the license renewal task and we went to a local coffee shop for breakfast. “Alright, how many packets should I get?” I asked my father how many breakfasts take away should I buy for our family members. “One porridge for your mum, two noodle soup for the kids, and get Yan (my sis-in-law) the spicy Thai noodles. She likes it.” My father gave me a clear list. (Hmm… Not bad, he really walks the talk. He even takes into consideration what his daughter-in-law enjoys eating.)
At that moment, I felt relief and thankful. Good improvement was seen from my father’s attitude in the house.
Chapter 6 - At Home - Subject# 3 (Wrong Party)
“Our front compound is so dusty. Next door is having their main door and gate renovation work going on.” My father was annoyed and complained to me. I woke up late that day; it was almost noon time when I came to dining room. “No plastic-cover to block the dust coming our ways?” I asked. “No, they (referring to the contractor) only put it at the other side.” He said.
“Then, Pa, you are talking to the wrong person, you should go to the contractor, not me. Just simply ask if they could also put a plastic-cover at our side.” I suggested. He heard me, considered it and went to talk with the contractor. He came back to dining room with rather happy mode. “How?” I asked. “Yeah, they put it on now. Phew~ If not, I can’t imagine the dusty level at our car porch.” He was relieved. (Good then.)
We continued spending our days at home, watching TV dramas, having meals, and taking a nap (if feeling sleepy in the afternoon).
Chapter 7 - At Home - Subject# 1 & 3 (What If...)
In the evening, around 11pm, I watched the movie “Adam’s Project”, another time travel movie where the hero travelled from the future to the past. The emotional scenes where he (the lead character) finally met his late beloved father and when his father bid farewell to both his grown-up sons that came all the way from the future; I cried. No one saw me as it was late at night, I was the only one that still watching TV, in living room.
Back onto my bed after that movie, I could still feel the sadness. (What if this trip is literally my last meeting with my ageing parent?) Tears kept flowing and wet my pillow.
I am a sensitive person, sensitive to my surroundings; I believe I am. One moment I was pissed of; the next moment I might switch my mood to singing out loud. But my emotions come and go, real quick. I try to never hold any hatred or anger overnight, especially towards my family members and close friends.
Although I tend to lash out at home, knowing this attitude of mine, my parents get annoyed by me but they won’t mad at me for long. They forgave me like nothing ever happens. I pray for their health and happy life for a little longer, if God permits. I do love my parents even though I feel frustrated by them, sometimes.
Chapter 8 - At Home - Subject# 4 (His New Toy)
Thursday evening, my elder brother finally be ‘freed’ from home-quarantined requirement. (He is coming home tonight. I can finally see him.) As for my younger brother, he can only come back home on Saturday as he has five-day work on going.
“Your brother’s car got crushed.” My father told me this with a serious face when I showed up in the living room downstairs after my shower. “What? Is he safe?” I was shocked by this news.
“Just his car got huge damage. The whole door was crushed.” He continued. I walked towards our car porch compound. My brother was walking to and fro busy talking over the phone with his friend, trying to get some advice on the proper procedure to report about this car accident.
(Wow… The door of driver’s seat was terrible! As if being ‘scratched’ by T-Rex, the dinosaur.) I just watched ‘Jurassic Park’ with the kids yesterday. A deep cut through the door horizontally from driver’s seat up till the passenger’s seat at the back. Both doors on the right side of the car were kaput. (Have to change to new ones. My goodness!) I left my brother with his phone conversations and went back to living room.
After fifteen minutes later, I walked out to check on him again. He squadded down leaning to the wall, starred at the deep cut on his newly bought second-hand car. Heart pains overwhelmed him and he was frowning quietly, all alone by himself, there.
(Poor thing, that car is his new toy that he just bought not long ago.) I sat next to him, asked him about the procedures needed? He said that maybe he needs to lodge a police report but not sure if this accident was entitled to claim from the insurance coverage. Due to the renovation work of our neighbour, a huge rectangular steel-made dustbin tank was placed at the corner of the lane. Without any warning signs put up to alert drivers, and with no street lights at the corner of the lane, scratching sound was heard when my brother drove into the lane where our terrace house was at. When he stopped his car and had a look, it was too late. The hard steel tank had cut through his car doors.
Even during day time, when I drove past that steel tank, I also need to drive carefully as our lane became narrower having it placed there. We also forgot to tell my brother who just happened to come home today about this rubbish tank beforehand. Accident often happens without and beyond our expectation.
“Brother, take it easy, what happened has already happened. Let’s focus on how to fix this tomorrow morning. No point of you sitting here starring at it sadly. The deep cut will still be there no matter how long you look at it. Alright?” I tried to persuade him from continue being frown.
“Such a bad luck. I’ve just finished the home quarantined and recovered from Covid-positive. And now, this!” He ranted a little complaint there.
“Don’t say it like that… This morning, Pa and I had just prayed to God and our ancestors. We burnt a lot of joss papers. THEY have helped to lower the impact of this accident. Both you and your son are safe. We should feel relief from this. Okay? Don’t think too much. Like the Chinese’s saying, ‘Spend some money to reduce the disaster’, alright?” “Go, go have your shower and grab yourself some water to drink.” I tried my best to drag him out from his miserable condition.
“Hmm… Alright.” Heavy sigh from him, he nodded his head.
I then went back to living room, sat next to my father in the living room. “Don’t know how much need to spend on the car repair. We should file a complaint on our neighbour’s act for placing that rubbish tank there.” My father said, in softer tone, not intending for my brother to hear it.
“Pa, let’s don’t talk about this in front of brother again. It’s not like you are the one paying for the repair, why worry so much? What needs to be fixed and paid, we have to do it anyway. Brother is already in the sad mood; why still talk about this topic to remind him every time? Talk on some other topics, can?” I told him. I think there is no point keep circling on this issue and bring down the atmosphere in the family.
Later days, we came to understand that my brother has a habit to drive into other’s driving lane when he does car turning. Well, literally, both parties have some level of mistakes at their end; do we really need to go ballooning up this matter with our neighbour? The insurance agent shared his view points with my brother that rather often, the police report will lead the case to the contractor and contractor will end up claiming from our neighbour. Once we claimed from insurance policy, the subsequent insurance premium will surely surge drastically. I let my brother to do the decision making.
Chapter 9 - At Home - Subject# 5 & 6 (Those Two...)
Kids, when they are in good mood, they are like angles, making you laugh with their innocent words and actions; hanging around you with their cute voice and never-ending Question &Answer (Q&A) sessions. But they are like any other humans, happy mode does not last all day long.
All my lioness feisty was ignited in one go when either my niece or nephew was throwing tantrum at home. Their tendency in throwing tantrums seems to be a norm at home. They have been pampered by their grandparents and being ‘allowed’ to show their attitude of ‘I want this’ or ‘I don’t want that’ at home. (Excuse me! I won’t tolerate that.) Pampering at the wrong direction is literally leading the little ones towards a wrong path. If guardians are not guiding and telling them what’s right or wrong, now while they are still a child, then when to do so? When they are grown-ups? Wouldn’t that be too late? Would they still willing to listen to guidance or even willing to change, at the age of sixteen? (Good luck!)
I thought I had controlled my temper well. I thought my will power to change myself has successfully release this bad habit of mine – the feisty discipline teacher-alike temper – being a daughter, elder-sister, and now another new role added, i.e. the feisty aunt. Those daily no-manners attitude shown in both my niece and nephews, their wasting food behaviour and their stubbornness on nonsense things, just getting on my nerves. I showed my straight face and increased my voice while talking to them.
“They are still a child.” Their grandparents said. (Yeah right, I have heard that a lot. I don’t buy that.) They are now ten and seven years old, respectively. I know my face looked terrible when I started scolding them. (I haven’t changed; have I? No, no, no, I have to change. I want to change!) Once I finished the lecturing upon them, I ended that topic right there and then. No more repeating it or coming back to this topic again after this.
(Heavy sighing… I feel stressed; not towards the kids but to realize that my progress to change was going all the way back to starting point, or maybe my progress was just that five centimetres from starting point? Haha… Keep it up, me!)
Chapter 10 - At Home - Subject# 7 (My Turn...)
So, in conclusion, in this trip, I lectured my mother and my father, scolded my niece and nephew, and persuaded my brother. It was not fun at all. Others would find me annoying and grumpy. Not that I enjoy doing so. I would like to have light and easy chatting topics with my family.
I want to practice ‘I see nothing; I hear nothing.’ But in reality, I can only carry out such mentality with strangers; but not with my family members. I would repeat hundred times if any of those messages would reach them one day, at a certain point of their days. If they could be awakened by any words from me towards them; isn’t that the best outcome? Now, I switch my ‘setting’ – to tone down my tendency to nag my family members. I have already started to ‘limit’ myself to only give lectures or reminders twice, that’s the maximum efforts I would do for them. If the other party still acts as they like, go ahead then. They would reach a time to face their actions and learn the lesson during their lifetime, in order for them to grow. One should take the consequences of their decision and actions. I have done what I think l should at least do. And, I did.
One day before my departure back to Singapore, my mum asked me if I were this feisty when I was at Singapore as well. “Tone down your hot-tempered and don’t be so feisty.” She reminded me. I took a deep breath. (You thought I really enjoy that, huh?) I knew that it was so obvious that my black-faced, discipline-headmaster attitude was witnessed by all my family members.
“I only become like this when I am at home, here. I don’t nag (referring to ‘lecture’ in our conversation) other people; am I too free? They are nobody to me.” “Why do you think I nagged you, dad, niece and nephew? Why?” “I hope that you all can at least realized where the issue was and things to focus on.” “Those two kiddos, so stubborn and no manners, yet you (grandparents) continue pampering and allowing them to act as they like. If we don’t teach them now, then when should we? When they’re sixteen?” I laid out my reasons behind my lashing out actions. She didn’t respond any after that. We automatically ended this conversation by continued watching the TV show.
Chapter 11 - Party Time
Saturday night, we all went to my brother’s place to throw a mini birthday party for my niece who was turning ten. Variety of pre-ordered food and cake on the dining table. That was a family party. At last, we found a time to have everyone free and available to have a meal together. After birthday song and wishes made, the kiddos couldn’t wait to open up their presents. Yes, we prepared some for her little brother as well. They were so happy to see what their mother has bought for them. They jumped with happiness and joy. Colourful slimes, squishy soft toys that they have wanted for a long time. Their mother knows them well.
(Mostly non-value-added stuff. Waste of money.) This came into my mind. Then, suddenly a story that I once heard from YouTube flashed back, in my head.
“Often times, when the wife was trying to buy her husband a birthday present, she would pick something that she thinks would be useful for her husband, a new wallet for example, but never once trying to understand what her husband actually wishes to have on his birthday. Sometimes, he might just want a simple dinner at home with some wines, watch Netflix movie; follows with couple’s steamy bedtime actions. Yes, that wallet she bought might be useful for him but he would be much happier to have what he wished for. It is not so much about value-added or not.”
(Oh my God… I messed this up myself when I had already understood the message delivered by this story the first time I heard about it. Yet, I never practice it myself.)
I did buy something that I thought was useful for them – a jacket-like swimming float. Their expression when they opened and saw the present was way too far from the excitement they had just shown two minutes ago. Maybe just 10% of those broad smiles and joys. What a lesson to ‘wake’ me up. Thank you God for letting me realize where I have yet to learn and improve. I know it now. Although I don’t find it ‘value-added’ but at least the next time I get someone a present, I would stick to the main purpose of that action, i.e. I want them to be HAPPY on their birthday; value-added item or not, we can talk about that some other time. It doesn’t have to be on their birthday.
Chapter 12 - Time's Up
Ten days have just gone in a flash. I walked up to my parents, lightly touched their hand, “Pa, Ma, I am departing to airport, yeah.” Whispered softly to my parents that are still sleeping soundlessly. It was 4 a.m. in the middle of the night or early Sunday morning. I had to catch my flight returning to Singapore at 6:25 a.m., on my day 10th. “Hmm… Save flight and take good care of yourself, okay?” “Ring us when you’ve arrived Singapore then.” Caring words came from my parents. “Sure, you guys stay cautious on hygiene and avoid crowded place, eat more healthy food and do some exercise, yeah?” I said good bye to them and asked them to go back to their sleep.
I then burnt some joss sticks, prayed to God and ancestors of our family before my departure. I asked for their protection towards my family members. Then, I woke my younger brother up from his sleep. He would drive me to the airport. I was glad that he offered to do that instead of letting my father do the driving. It would be tiring to wake up at 4 a.m. and drive for an-hour journey.
I love my family although I am a feisty one at home. But until today, I can’t, I still can’t bring myself say it out, verbally, to any of my family members that I am sorry and I seek for their forgiveness at that bad attitude of mine – the easily lashing out when I was triggered. If I have acted recklessly or rude in my action, I can bring myself to apology to the other party immediately; but for me to say sorry for my bad attitude, I don’t know where to start. For an ASIAN-cultured family that seldom expresses our feelings, I too, really don’t know where to start… (I am sorry…) I said to them, in my heart.
I would plan to spend more time with them going forward. No one knows what comes next. I want to appreciate our time together. Dear God, please watch over their safety for me please. Thank you.
Words from the Author :
I read from a book wrote by a Japanese-professional psychologist as well as the expert in treating the aged-generation patients. His book was based on the experiences he received from his career. Through the patients he attended to and the mental issue / family situation each of his patients faced, he summarized some important take aways that worth for everyone to be aware of and/or understand.
He mentioned that often times the children (i.e. son/daughter) of the aging parents (his patient) forgot that their parents have getting old. Their parents have aged to a point that they no longer have the strength or capability to handle the house chores that they used to practice all their life as the parents (the lead model) in the family. Their children couldn’t comprehend such change in their parents but being disappointed in their parents’ lack in keeping their personal hygiene and letting the house getting untidy.
He pointed out that everyone has some emotional tagged onto the items they keep or put in the house. Same goes for those aged generation. If their children simply throw away their aged parents’ stuff, surely their parents would be angry. Why? Well, for their children to cross over the boundaries to handle and throw their stuff, their pride as parent would be hurt.
A simple advice he shared to those children with aged parents in the family – “How about just ‘close one eye’ and let them be? Respect and protect that tiny pride that your parents could still be holding on to. It is always easy for anyone to throw away someone else’s stuff.”
So, to the children with the aged parents, “How about throw away all your parents’ stuff that you find non-value added (or classified as rubbish) WHEN your parents have no longer with you (when they have passed away and gone to heaven)?
I learnt something from his book. Thank you.